When we move on from a past love, most of us want closure. But what do you do when you don’t get that? How can you move on if your partner has gone quiet? Or sometimes even worse – has adopted a formal way of relating that feels as if you made up the entire connection. Immediately, we want an explanation. We want to understand. How can we move on when there is nothing but silence?
There are two types of relational silence – a healthy silence, and a violent silence – one that serves the connection and one that damages it. In the first, silence comes after it has been talked about. This is healthy and honors the connection. In the second, silence comes with no communication and others are left to wonder what is happening. The partner withholds. Withholding makes it impossible for the receiver to truly know their feelings and it makes the withholder cold. In this case, silence is violent. A passive aggressive attempt to cause suffering, or a careless self-absorpt.
If we find ourselves faced with a silent partner, we find we can’t put our lives on hold waiting for an answer that may never come. Maybe they will tell us one day, or maybe they will never understand it themselves. Eventually, we find the reason isn’t that important.
Ultimately, when it comes to love, we must start at home. We can’t abandon ourselves in the heart of loss. When we are forced to let go of a love, we learn quickly that our precious life will wait for no one. We cannot make another person’s presence more important than our own. We can’t lock ourselves in, waiting for that external liberator to set us free.
If they left. We have to leave too.
We are our hearts keeper. We must hold ourselves safe. Doing so may be the greatest gift you can give to yourself. Through holding this love for yourself, through maintaining an openness in letting go, you may find that when your next love comes around you will have an openness and rawness that can hold a love for them too. This is your training.